depression

OK so things with my dad are getting better,

i think hes starting to chill out a little more,

Christmas wasn't too bad,

i have a feeling that some of my family members on my moms side,

don't like me too much,

because of the things Ive done and because i choose to live with my dad,

my mom cant keep her mouth shut about my life.

i don't even like telling her shit,

dad tells her and it pisses me off because she tells everyone,

i don't want her to be a part of my life,

i mean i know shes my mom,

but man i cant fucking stand her,

its like i try so hard to get along with her,

but i cant take it anymore i mean i feel like I'm gonna pop,

all these feeling i keep inside,

no one knows. i cant take anymore,

i cant take lying to myself and my family anymore.

its like i fake a smile to make everyone happy,

and ever time a smile,

a little peace of me dies.

and ever time i see her face,

all the hurt she caused comes back like it had just happened,

i never let her see it.

i always smile and laugh around her,

but this Christmas was so hard on me,

no one knows how depressing it was.

i mean this was the first Christmas that my mom and dad wasn't together.

i mean in away I'm glad my mom and dad are not together,

i don't think that my moms good for me

she was one of the reasons for my depression.

all the lies she told

their never going away

i still have the memory of that night she left,

ill never for get it,

it hurt me so bad

you all will never know.

and i hope u never do

the last look on her face,

the last words out of her mouth

hunt me to this day.

they weir all lies.

well ima go.

laterz

cant take much more of this

Me and my dad are fighting more and more each passing day,

he doesn't appreciate anything i do,

and he keeps throwing the fact that i cant buy my own cigarette's in my face,

its not my fucking fault i don't have a fucking job,

he wont let me get one because if i get a job the check that the government sends me every month wont come anymore.

I'm about to loose my mind, i mean its like I'm nothing to him

like he puts up with me just so that he'll have someone their to bitch at and tell what to do.

its total bull shit.

some times i just think i should run away.

i don't know where i would go or where i would live,

but it be better then spending my life pretty much locked up.

i mean a hardly ever go any where.

mike goes where ever he wants when ever he wants

its not fucking fair

i mean i know hes almost 18 an all but,

fuck I'm 16 and i can take care of my fucking self.

sometimes i wish he would just be one of them dads that don't give a shit

the ones who don't care where their kids go or who they go with.

i would actually have a life if he was that way,

i think I've left the house by myself with a friend like 2 times since i moved here.

i never go anywhere because he don't trust me, i don't care if he dotn fucking trust me its my fucking life ill do what ever the fuck i want to with it,

he cant see that I've changed

i don't do drugs anymore,

i don't slut around anymore,

i hardly ever drink,

i mean what the fuck!

god man i mean i cant even have a fucking boyfriend anymore because he thinks I'm gonna fuck him. so what if i do, its my fucking body.

if i get prag ill deal with it,

i don't need his help, if the check came to me every month i wouldn't need him

i mean I've already been told by one of my friends that i could live with them.

so i wouldn't even need a place to stay, i could pay for my own food and smokes, and anything else i might need because this friend wouldn't make me pay rent, just help with food and shit.

so i mean really id be better off.

i mean i know my dad is going through a hard time and all but shit i just want him to leave me alone, and let me live my own life.

but im done for now,

im just gonna go think for a little bit,

<3missy<3

Went To Court Today!

yeah so i went to court today, and they put me on probation, and they said because of my history of drugs and the severeness of the drugs Ive done, I'm ganna be getting random drug testings, the only reason i didn't get tested today is because the judge felt that i was clean because how great Ive been doing in school. but i know if i would have gotten tested today, i would of failed. and if they test me anytime soon I'm ganna fail. they said if i fail my drug test, I'll be going to rehab. which is stupid because I'm not hooked on nothing... this fucking sucks, now i cant have fun anymore, i have to be home by 9:00pm every night. unless my probation officer okays me being out later. and i have to do 50 hours of community serves. which really sucks!

well yeah that's all i have to say,

how shitty my life fucking is,

the only good thing that come out of this whole day was i didnt go to jail.

so far yet so close

this post is to the one person i love the most,

one of my VERY close friends.

someone who's been there for me through it all.

no matter what Ive done.

he was always right there

he's the kindest, sweetest,

most amazing person

Ive ever had the pleasure to met.

let alone, be friends with.

He always has a way of making me smile

even when i don't want to.

i can be balling my eyes out

and he still finds away to make me laugh.

he's always there for me when i need to talk.

we could be sitting in the same room

look at each other,

and start cracking laughing

about something that happened

a week ago.

i haven't seen him that much

since i moved,

and i must say

i miss him more then anyone.

but no matter how far we are,

we're always so close.

he means the world to me

and with out him in my life

i would most likely be dead.

well i think I'm done FOR NOW!

I'll probably have a norther post later. lol

love you zachy